every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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