The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
