So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
