We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
