I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
