6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
