I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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