So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this boner is exhausting
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
