hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize