i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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