Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
