At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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