Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
