I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
