i think i have two assholes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to make out with him forever
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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