***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
