Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
