they're like a gay fantastic four
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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