piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
