Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
