dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
