I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
