Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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