i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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