We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
