you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
