I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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