This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
