I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
