Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
