just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
