What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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