Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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