im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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