just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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