i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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