This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
