i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
