just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
