literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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