Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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