The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
