I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
