i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
