So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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