put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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