I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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