woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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