Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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