That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
