Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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