I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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