it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
