Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
