my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
