i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
