I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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