Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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