Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
