Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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