even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
