Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
