i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
